How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner: & Our TOP FIVE Tips!
If there’s one topic we can collectively grimace about discussing, it’s got to be sex.
We all have it, and yet when someone brings it up, a lot of morph into giggling teenagers.
Or perhaps we were raised in a family or society that shunned any talk about pleasure, or we’ve been through trauma that prevents us from wanting to talk about sex with our partners.
Here’s the good news: have great sexual communication is positively correlated with a higher frequency of orgasms!
On the flip side, not saying what you want has the opposite effect: unsatisfying sex. That's what we do not want!
There’s no need to put up with uncomfortable, painful sexual encounters.
As couples therapist Lonnie Barbach has stated before:
“By faking, you are training your partner to do precisely what doesn’t work for you.”
And the longer that goes on, the harder it is to reveal to your partner what really turns you on.
So, in the interest of liberating your well-deserved orgasms, here are our top 5 tips for confidently and calmly talking about sex with your partner.
TIP NUMBER 1
Talking about sex the first time is hard, but you got this!
If you’re yet to fully claim your pleasure and talk about sex with your partner, remember that the first time is going to be scary. That’s normal!
You might be vulnerable, embarrassed, or feel like you’re being pushy. However, you might be doing your partner a massive favour.
With new partners, they’re often at a loss for how to get those juices flowing, and having some direction is a huge relief!
TIP NUMBER 2
If you want to try new sex things? Have the chat with your clothes on first.
While many of you reading are probably interested in how to get more orgasms during sex, this tip is for those in an established relationship.
If you’re exclusive with your main squeeze, bringing up sexual dissatisfaction when you’re on top of each other is going to kill the mood fast. Instead, we recommend trying to problem-solve using positive language.
Rather than saying “Hey, I’m tired of missionary, you dud”, try “You know what I’ve always wanted to try? Shibari!” We recommend timing these talks well: bringing it up 5 minutes before your parents are due to come over for dinner will not give you enough time to talk.
Start the talk when you have enough time to use your communication skills to work through any questions or issues.
TIP NUMBER 3
Ask them what they like best after sex too.
One great way to improve your sexual communication skills is to ask your partner what they liked best or want more of immediately after sex.
With the endorphins raving in their brain, they’ll be more open to being honest and sharing with you.
After your partner responds, repeat back 3 - 5 of the first or last words they used. This reinforces to them you are listening, and they will likely get more involved spilling the beans.
TIP NUMBER 4
Let your fingers do the talking
It can be hard to give orders when you’re feeling naked and vulnerable. Simply put, you might find it easier to place your partner hand in the right place, or push on it to indicate the right pressure to use.
Whether it’s your first date or first anniversary, guiding your partner’s hand is one of the easiest ways to ensure more orgasms.
TIP NUMBER 5
Repeat, repeat, repeat
Moaning like a porn star might not be your jam, but may we suggest being a bit more vocal? Sex sounds are a turn on for all sexes!
However, not all lovers may be fluent in what sex sounds actually mean.
That’s where we suggest using – shocking, we know – actual words!
Using words is the quickest way to convey how you like to be touched.
So, if you like it, say so.
If you want it faster, say so.
If you want it harder, say so.
And then when your partner is hitting it juuuust right, give them positive feedback.
For example, “Yes!” is an easy directive.
If you’re feeling nervous about bringing up sex with your partner, remind yourself that you deserve pleasure just as much as anyone else.
It’s time to stop thinking about sex communication as awkward, and instead think of it as hot, fun and the best way to get what you want.
Lara Luxe xoxo